Tuesday, June 4, 2013

If you're wondering where I've been...

This pretty much sums me up!

WARNING F word 1 time in this video.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Grocery shopping

Today is Presidents Day, which is basically the lamest excuse for a day off of school. We woke up at 7:30 and basically watched movies until noon. At which point I decided it was time to go to the grocery store since we have been eating pancakes for every meal for a more than a few days now.
So off we went.
As we got out of the car to go into the store, I told my daughter that she may not bring her blanket with her. Wo, she did not like that. As we walked from the car toward the store she began screaming, kicking, crying that she wanted her blanket. (it's her nap time) I told her over and over that we would be really quick and she could have it when we got back in the car but only if she stopped crying. That did nothing. She continued to have a fit, we are now on the sidewalk in front of the store, I walk ahead of her ignoring her bad behavior to see if she would run and catch up with me, she didn't. I turn the corner to enter the store and hear her scream. I look back to see that she has somehow tripped and fallen into the road. Did I say that I also have a 5 year old and a baby in a car seat with me? I park the car seat on the sidewalk and tell my 5 yr old to STAY HERE. I run back to my daughter and explain to her in specific detail why she cannot have her blanket and try to reason with her. This girl is tired and kind reasoning in front of strangers is not working. People are staring, laughing and I am losing it. I get 2 inches from her face and in my softest sharpest voice tell her that she has 3 seconds to stop crying or I am throwing her blanket in the garbage. 1....still crying, 2.........still crying, and a very loud, very mean 3! SHE STOPS. 
We have finally made it into the store.
I go quickly grabbing everything I can including milk, bread and a few other things I have vouchers for, when I suddenly realize I have forgotten my vouchers. But we are completely out of milk, bananas, and juice which are necessary right now. There is no way in hell I am packing these kids back in the car, running home, then coming back and re-shopping for all this stuff. So I just continue getting what I need and say screw the vouchers.
As we are shopping my daughter takes a  banana from the bunch I grabbed and is using it as a gun aimed at her brother, but somewhere along the road she lost the banana. My kids say they know where it is and will run and grab it 2 isles over. I tell them to go quickly and come right back. 17 minutes later of scouring the store in search for what I think are my 2 abducted children, and one cart run-in with a bitter drug addict I finally found them.
It's time to go.
I head to checkout and quickly get my items paid for.As I approach my car I notice that the car next to me has left 6 inches for me to get into my car and there is no way in hell i can fit my babies car seat in the car.
It's time to lose it.
I begin to cuss my brains out as I contemplate how I'm going to get my baby in the car. Should I set him in the trunk while I move my car? Should I put him in the front seat? Should I? Should I? Should I?
Decision.
I walk over to the other side of the car and tell my 2 olders to get out and so I can try to put the baby and his car seat in on their side and squeeze it past their car seats to get it into it's spot. Well, Olive climbs out, and of course, her car seat somehow falls out on top of her.
I know, you didn't think it could get worse did you.
Now it gets better.
My shopping cart is sitting in the middle of the parking lot because I have my hands full trying to figure all this crap out.  A worker comes to grab the cart. I'm at that throat choking point, ya know, like about to cry, but still holding strong as I ask her to help me.
I put Nash in the cart and asked her to watch him for a minute. Even if she thought I was going to bolt on her, she was still nice enough to help. I got Olive calmed and kissed better, got her car seat and her back into the car and pulled out of my parking spot to fit mister Nash in.
So THANK YOU Smith's worker, whoever you are. You played a small roll in my day today but really helped me out a lot. And one thing is for sure. I am NEVER taking 3 kids to the grocery store again. But I LOVE THEM LOTS.
The end.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

10 years

10 years of work, living and play with Danny and Libby.

Year 1
Wireless Etc (Trolley Square)
SL School District (Newman Elementary)
Highland Condo
Bountiful Rents
Lake Tahoe
Lake Powell
Kaysville Rambler 
Year 2
Costa Rica
Wireless Etc (Layton)
Farmington Bay Youth Correctional Facility
Floral Design
Lake Powell
Year 3
AT&T
Lake Powell
SL School District (Bryant)
Year 4
Real Estate
Costa Rica
Davis Behavioral Health
Year 5
Eddy Born
Bills Island
Year 6
Intermountain Moulding
Bills Island
Lake Tahoe
Year 7
Olive Born
ADT
Progrexion
A+
Cloverdale California
Nor Cal Computer Solutions
Bills Island
Disney Land
Year 8
Bountiful Rents
Lake Tahoe
Supranaturals
Bountiful Health Center
Davis Behavioral Health
Year 9
Provo Rambler 1
ITN
Nash Born
Provo Rambler 2
Year 10
Florida
Bountiful Grandma

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Anxiety

I come from a family of anxiety driven or ridden people. As a child I was very anxious, worrying about all sorts of silly things; from thinking I would stop breathing in my sleep, which made me think that I would never be able to fall asleep, which made me think that I would not wake up on time for school, which made me think I would fail school, and so on and so forth...this would all be followed by some serious tears and lots of time spent in my parents room. And this was just at night time. Morning time went something like this: I would wake up and begin to get ready for school at which point I would start to fret about school. Would I understand what the teacher was teaching me? This followed a similar pattern as previously stated and ended in me crying every morning before school through most of my elementary life. Once in Jr. High it was just on the first day of school.
Now this may sound really crazy to you, but for me and my family this is a behavior we are all too familiar with. For us it is almost normal and definitely understandable because most of us have some form of anxiety.
Now I'm an adult. I no longer let my thoughts go as far as I did as a child. I do however have a lot of 'nervous energy' (as we Berthold's call it). This energy makes it very difficult to be mindful of the present moment and leaves me with feelings of guilt, complacency, or even laziness when I try to sit still and do nothing. These feelings also come on when I am holding my baby or sitting with my kids because I am always thinking about what I should be doing rather than enjoying the moment I am in.
 
This past week I have been extremely restless. My days are filled with looking for jobs, thoughts of starting up flowers again, opening a preschool or any other business to give me something MORE to do. Once completing applications I check my email and phone 25 times to see if anyone has responded.
Now we are to this morning.  I woke up and started my day of with a large Diet Coke. I have been off the juice for 3 weeks now, but it was there and I was thirsty. So my anxious veins that have already been pumping anxiety are now filled with caffeine to pump my brain and thoughts 10 fold, leaving absolutely no room for mindfulness. Today has also been stressful because I have a few things going on that I have been waiting to hear on before I can move forward. Waiting, anxiety, and caffeine do not go well together.
I called my mom to chat and discuss some of the decisions I am facing and some of the ideas I have had with my brain that wont stop running and she said one sentence that like a light switch turned my brain off and made me think...Everything is going to be okay. Chill the Hell out. I don't need to worry about this or that, or what this person will say, or what the response will be I'm waiting for, or if this job will work out, and who will watch my kids if it does, and if I should pull them out of school because of this, and yada yada yada.
So in a word I am thankful so much for my mom. Though my nervous energy comes from her she knows what to say to me and how to calm my heart when it wont stop racing. She helped me  know that I can be patient and mindful of what my life has going on right now in this moment and love and enjoy it while leaving the worry at the door. So thanks mom. You helped me out a lot today.
My big sis who also has some super "nervous energy" introduced me to this painting a few years back and I think of it often. Its by James Christensen's daughter, Cassandra Barney. It is titled, Be Where Your Feet Are
.She says this about it,
 "I remind myself to ‘be where my feet are’ often,” says artist Cassandra Barney. “My mind tends to drift toward the future, sometimes planning or worrying about what lies ahead, missing the present. Being present is where life is the most rich and colourful. I've even found myself consciously feeling the soles of my feet on the ground to get myself there." “I really like the way the images on the vintage wallpaper enriched the idea. The hunters in the background could be a distraction but the figure stands with her feet on the ground, amongst the most beautiful flowers.” Heres to my nearvous energy being put toward being where my feet are.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Daniel Nash, my Chunky Munk.

A lot of time has passed since my last post, and as it mentioned my life has been changed forever. My beautiful baby boy Nash was born on August 6, 2012 at about 8am. He was my smallest baby yet weighing in at 7lbs 6oz and 19 inches long.
Surgery, as one could imagine,was not my favorite. The spinal block was quite painful and scary, and they didn't allow Danny to come with me to receive it. A lot of screams and moans were heard, (I pity the Doc that has to deal with my drama) but once Danny came into the OR I felt much better. The meds as usual made me very nauseous and I felt sickness coming on, the Doc tied my arms down throughout the operation which was almost comical but mostly irritating. "Come on boys, this isn't my first rodeo." They didn't care. Anyway, the nausea wore off and Neil Young sang me into a stupor as they pulled and prodded to get that baby boy out. Moments later for the first time ever I was able to hold my amazing beautiful perfect baby immediately after birth. I cried like a Libby and couldn't believe the reality that I was facing once again.
I enjoyed 4 days in  the hospital just baby and me getting lots of one-on-one time and rest. Eddy and Olive were so excited to meet their new brother and they have been amazing with him. Truly amazing. They are both so sweet and loving toward him and he LOVES them too.
It has been almost three months since Nash joined our family and though I was terrified to bring another life into this world, I tell you now it is the best thing that could have happened. Nash could not have come at a better time. He has brought so much peace and joy that seemed unattainable not too long ago. Who knew a baby could make things all better?
Before I had Olive I remember asking my mom how she could love her next kid as much as her first and so on. She told me that your heart just opens up and grows to a point that you didn't know love even existed. I now know that kind of love exists.
video

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Nash Comes in the Morning

It is 2:24 pm, I'll be waking up at 4am to get to to the Hospital by 5 where they will prep me for surgery beginning at 6:30. Wow. I don't think I am going to sleep one wink tonight. It is kind of difficult to relax when you know that your life will never be the same in a few hours. I know I have been pregnant for 10 months, I know that I have been dying to get this little guy out of me, but now that I will actually be facing the music in just a few hours I am kind of freaking out. Our family of four will soon be a family of five. Hard to grasp, though very much happening.
I held Eddy and Olive last night after I read them books and my pregnant hormones took over as I cried and cried. It was the last night that they will sleep in their room together without Nash. I cannot believe they are getting so big and Olive is no longer going to be my baby. They are going to be such a great big bro and sis. It is SO exciting, a little scarry, but I am ready for it.
Nash, we are so excited to meet you tomorrow and in a few weeks, we wont even remember what life was like before you were here. We are so excited for you to be in our family and we love you so much already.
See you in the morning!
-Love mom