Anxiety

I come from a family of anxiety driven or ridden people. As a child I was very anxious, worrying about all sorts of silly things; from thinking I would stop breathing in my sleep, which made me think that I would never be able to fall asleep, which made me think that I would not wake up on time for school, which made me think I would fail school, and so on and so forth...this would all be followed by some serious tears and lots of time spent in my parents room. And this was just at night time. Morning time went something like this: I would wake up and begin to get ready for school at which point I would start to fret about school. Would I understand what the teacher was teaching me? This followed a similar pattern as previously stated and ended in me crying every morning before school through most of my elementary life. Once in Jr. High it was just on the first day of school.
Now this may sound really crazy to you, but for me and my family this is a behavior we are all too familiar with. For us it is almost normal and definitely understandable because most of us have some form of anxiety.
Now I'm an adult. I no longer let my thoughts go as far as I did as a child. I do however have a lot of 'nervous energy' (as we Berthold's call it). This energy makes it very difficult to be mindful of the present moment and leaves me with feelings of guilt, complacency, or even laziness when I try to sit still and do nothing. These feelings also come on when I am holding my baby or sitting with my kids because I am always thinking about what I should be doing rather than enjoying the moment I am in.
 
This past week I have been extremely restless. My days are filled with looking for jobs, thoughts of starting up flowers again, opening a preschool or any other business to give me something MORE to do. Once completing applications I check my email and phone 25 times to see if anyone has responded.
Now we are to this morning.  I woke up and started my day of with a large Diet Coke. I have been off the juice for 3 weeks now, but it was there and I was thirsty. So my anxious veins that have already been pumping anxiety are now filled with caffeine to pump my brain and thoughts 10 fold, leaving absolutely no room for mindfulness. Today has also been stressful because I have a few things going on that I have been waiting to hear on before I can move forward. Waiting, anxiety, and caffeine do not go well together.
I called my mom to chat and discuss some of the decisions I am facing and some of the ideas I have had with my brain that wont stop running and she said one sentence that like a light switch turned my brain off and made me think...Everything is going to be okay. Chill the Hell out. I don't need to worry about this or that, or what this person will say, or what the response will be I'm waiting for, or if this job will work out, and who will watch my kids if it does, and if I should pull them out of school because of this, and yada yada yada.
So in a word I am thankful so much for my mom. Though my nervous energy comes from her she knows what to say to me and how to calm my heart when it wont stop racing. She helped me  know that I can be patient and mindful of what my life has going on right now in this moment and love and enjoy it while leaving the worry at the door. So thanks mom. You helped me out a lot today.
My big sis who also has some super "nervous energy" introduced me to this painting a few years back and I think of it often. Its by James Christensen's daughter, Cassandra Barney. It is titled, Be Where Your Feet Are
.She says this about it,
 "I remind myself to ‘be where my feet are’ often,” says artist Cassandra Barney. “My mind tends to drift toward the future, sometimes planning or worrying about what lies ahead, missing the present. Being present is where life is the most rich and colourful. I've even found myself consciously feeling the soles of my feet on the ground to get myself there." “I really like the way the images on the vintage wallpaper enriched the idea. The hunters in the background could be a distraction but the figure stands with her feet on the ground, amongst the most beautiful flowers.” Heres to my nearvous energy being put toward being where my feet are.